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| Spiral mosaic in Bandon, Oregon |
I had a fantasy about our first day on the road. I'm behind the wheel with a long straight, empty road ahead, Harry is scanning the roadside for cows and squirrels, John Denver's clarion call to abandon, "Sweet Surrender" is playing on my iPod, and I burst into song. "It's just you and me, pup," I'd say while patting Harry on the head. I'd feel utterly free. What I learned about myself this week, is that being unchained in today's society is not as simple as that fantasy. I learned that I am addicted to worrying and it's time to kick the habit.
One of the reasons I chose to undertake this journey, is to reconnect myself with real places, people, situations and challenges. I have responded to our crowded, busy, clockwork society with emptiness and withdrawal, and a profound sense that all that we consider so important in our busy, busy day is artifice. I am sick from stress and worry and have treated myself with the medications society has made most accessible---sugar, alcohol, WiFi. What I have discovered these first days on the road, is how pernicious worry can be. I have become accustomed to its presence and so it lingers like a ghost. On each day I have found myself bothering over neglected details or dilemmas that belong in the vanishing point of my rear view mirror. The voices of anxiety have awakened me at 3 AM, even in the cozy loft of Pagoo. They demand that I concern myself with being here or there at this time or that, that I do what's expected and fix what's been broken. But with every day on the road those voices are quieting and the sound of the highway is rushing in.
Perhaps it's fitting that my adventure began with a visit to a cemetery. There are habits that grow because the ground is disturbed and they are the first seeds that gained a hold. What I am asking of myself now, is that Worry and Stress and Doubt may rest in peace among the lambs of St. Mary's.
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| St. Mary's Cemetery, Oakland California |
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| Harry is centered |
Hi Gena,
ReplyDeleteI learned of your odyssey through a post on Cece Azhderian's FB page. I hope I can help further quite the doubting chatter from within by sharing my similar experience. Just after college, I wanted to experience the world outside of that I knew as the fortunate child of a small town physician dad and great mom--the lap of love, stability and familiarity. Like you, with a love or the environment, I toured Canada on a bike, then settled on Cape Cod to start an outdoor education center with 5 others. I happened upon a step van converted camper on a long bike ride. Like you, I connected with the man who lovingly built it for himself, and created the whimsical fantasy of travelling every road along the Atlantic from Cape Cod to Florida, across the Gulf and up the Pacific. I am talking driving through neighborhoods to hug the coast, taking ferries, driving on beaches in Florida (why they do that there I do not know).
The trip last 3 years including working as counselors in several Outward Bound type wilderness survival programs for emotionally disturbed kids.
Two aspects of the trip changed my life forever. The first is becoming unhooked from all the negatives of American Society--now more vital than ever as you note.We have become lost as a nation answering the Sirens ubiquitous call to surrender our humanity, be dismissive of the earth that supports us and become a consumer--one carefully crafted for the benefit of the few by billions of dollars of marketing and advertising. Your quest to re-humanize yourself and connect with others is a most fortunate, healthy calling.
Though I have since acquired a PhD and long practiced clinical psychology, been a Graduate faculty member and expert witness, I existed in, but remained apart from the anger, fear, greed-driven society you so well cite. This is both a blessing and a curse--but more a blessing.
The second aspect of the trip was being accompanied by the woman I deeply fell in love with within a week of meeting. Our camper we named Amy (short for America) became the beginning of a bubble we created--own own loving, healthy, sane, mutually supporting reality that surrounded us long after the wheels were silenced, graduate school came and went and a dream life on Oahu for 23 years unfolded.
Your openness to yourself and the people/world around you is something that I have long related to and you inspired me to share my experience with you. There are countless people we met in those three years and the fabric our our rich and rewarding life together was woven.
I wish the same for you.
There is more.
I now have a companion, Bella Toto, a runt of the litter tri-colored Corgi, who has a heart as big as the sea. I have another camper awaiting a voyage.
I am stuck or at the least, not yet fully prepared, as I no longer have the most essential piece of my life's fabric since my wife succumbed to breast cancer nearly ten years ago. Your story offered me inspiration and hopefully will bring me closer to creating the next chapter in my life as you are in yours.
Mahalo, Vince
Vince,
DeleteIt's so nice to meet you, I'll have to thank Cece for the connection. Your story is inspiring and affirming. As passionately as I feel the road calling me, I have yet to shake the 3 AM naysayers (as I have begun to call them) and it really helps to hear from others who have made similar choices and found them not just fulfilling but as necessary as food and drink. I hope you find the way with your new camper on a new adventure with Bella Toto. Harry shall soon meet his corgi cousin for the first time.
Best, Gena
PS, Hawaii is my second home. I lived there (in Kailua on Oahu) for 3 years back in the early 90s. Most of all, I miss the smell of the night air. Take a breath for me!
G
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DeleteHi Vince. Gena's sister here. What a wonderful share. At this point my house in the woods near Princeton NJ is Gena's east coast midpoint stop. Faithful corgi in residence here, awaiting Harry's arrival. Best of wishes for your future journeys. You sound like the kind of person who knows how to find the treasure in it!!
ReplyDeleteI lived in Kailua for 13 years, Kahala for 12. Swam to the Mokes and kayaked every day. Now I live in PG which is how I know Cece.
ReplyDeleteThinking back, there were times of angst. Dramatic life change and novelty are a challenge. Then there was the time the campground we were heading to was closed and under two feet of snow, so we wound down to the snow covered flats in total darkness to park and sleep--soon to be awakened by a very bright light bathing Amy and then the train whistle. No time to even move the camper. Did we park on the tracks? That was my last thought as the train zoomed by inches away and shook our 3/4 ton camper like a toy. Or the time we were north of SFO near Muir Woods with fog so thick I had to open the drivers door and stick my head out to barely see the road as we crept along looking for a spot by the side of the road to spend the night. Finally backed into a small area just off the road--only to awaken in the morning and find we were sleeping extended over a precipice with our rear wheels just at the edge. I am not sure if these tales help your angst or not. At least know you will have lifelong memories of adventure and new friends.
I suspect the naysayers will be soothed to silence as experiences along the way begin to reshape your life.
I will be cheerleading you from PG.